I have wanted for a while to write about some of the issues in the dating system in today's Orthodox world, and although I have started writing a blog post about it (I'll post that one eventually), something I recently read provoked me to write this one, which I'll post first. This post might come across as judgmental and condescending to some people. If you're the type of person who dislikes that, feel free not to read it.
In last week's issue of the Jewish Press (April 1, 2011), the writers of a column titled 'A Dating Primer' wrote about how singles these days don't set each other up as they used to in the past. Apparently, singles used to look out for each other much better then than they do now. As an example, the writers mentioned two sisters, one of whom started dating about 8 years ago. Her friends set her up with guys, and she was able to find a husband within 2 years. In contrast, her younger sister, who is dating now, does not get set up by her friends. People aren't asking to set her up, while her sister used to get suggestions even before she started dating. The writers of the column suggest that because of this, the girl is "in the midst of a long 'drought' -- she has not had a date in a year."
This girl hasn't had a date in a year because her friends aren't setting her up? Am I the only one rolling my eyes at this?
I don't know if the article was using a hypothetical situation to make a point or was discussing an actual person, but whatever the case may be, it sounds unreasonable to say that the reason a girl has not had a date in a year is because her friends aren't setting her up. This implies that she is incapable of doing something for herself and her relationship status depends entirely on her friends.
Here's a novel idea. She can actually do something for herself instead of waiting for others to do it for her. She can go to a singles Shabbaton, sign herself up for a (*gasp*) dating site, go to places where there are other Jewish singles, and actually meet people. These are perfectly legitimate ways of meeting a guy, and if she was seriously looking to get married, she would look into these possibilities.
I understand that some people in the Orthodox community feel uncomfortable with dating someone they were not 'set up' with, but at what cost? If this system doesn't work, why not explore other options? It is unfair to blame this girl's friends for the fact that she hasn't had a date in a year. How about allowing her to take some of the responsibility?
I have a lot more to write on the subject, but first I would like to ask my readers to weigh in. What do you think about shidduchim vs. dating without an intermediary? What do you see as the pros and cons of both based on your own experience? Which do you prefer and why?
