Showing posts with label shidduchim. Show all posts

I have wanted for a while to write about some of the issues in the dating system in today's Orthodox world, and although I have started writing a blog post about it (I'll post that one eventually), something I recently read provoked me to write this one, which I'll post first. This post might come across as judgmental and condescending to some people. If you're the type of person who dislikes that, feel free not to read it.

To quote my niece: "Why don't you just quickly choose a chosson and get married?"

She even had suggestions. I sense a shadchan in the making. ;]

And I also sense that I won't be hearing the end of it until I hand her an invitation to my wedding... which still doesn't have anyone in the main role.

My niece and nephew were at my house for Shabbat, and at one point, my niece turned to me and asked with a straight face, "When are you getting married?" My father and I exchanged looks, amused by the question and by the fact that it was my eight-year-old niece who was asking it. I cautiously replied that I might first have to find someone to marry before I can start planning the wedding, and I inquired why she was asking this all of a sudden. Her reply? She wants to wear a beautiful gown and wants to know when she can do that. I promised her that I would let her know as soon as I knew the answer myself.

It was her next question though that really surprised me. She wanted to know at what age I want to get married -- young or older. She elaborated that young was at 19 or 20 and older is basically anything above that number.

So this is just to let all you girls know -- if you're above 20, you are apparently older. Who knew?

I wanted to write about the famous often-quoted (and often misquoted) phrase in Pirkei Avot about excessive conversation with a woman, but my schedule has been very busy, so I had no choice but to wait for a better time. Right now seems like the right time though, especially since Bad4Shidduchim just wrote a post about self-deprecation and the impression it makes on a date. So, how do these two things -- self-deprecation and excessive conversation -- connect? What do they have to do with each other?

There are a few lessons written in Pirkei Avot 1:5 in the name of Yosi ben Yochanan. The one I will be focusing on is the following:

ואל תרבה שיחה עם האשה. באשתו אמרו. קל וחומר באשת חברו. מכאן אמרו חכמים כל זמן שאדם מרבה שיחה עם האשה, גורם רעה לעצמו

Yosi ben Yochanan warned not to engage in excessive conversation with a woman. This is said about a man's own wife, so even more so about another man's wife. From here, the sages say that one who talks excessively with a woman causes himself harm.

This can be interpreted a few different ways, but for our purposes, we are going to go with the Bartenura -- Rav Obadiah ben Avraham's commentary. He gives different examples of how talking excessively with a woman can cause a man harm, and his reasons are very logical. I am going to focus on his second explanation of the bad effects of sicha im ha'isha.

א"נ מתוך שהוא מספר לה שחבריו גינוהו וביישוהו אף היא מבזה אותו בלבה. וזה גורם רעה לעצמו

When he talks to his wife (and the same thing can apply to a woman he is dating) and he tells her how his friends shamed him, she will also come to scorn him in her heart.

Sicha refers to idle chatter. When it is excessive, the chances are greater that someone will make a self-deprecating comment to make the conversation more interesting or to entertain the other person.

It is important for a wife to be able to respect her husband, but if he is constantly putting himself down and, so to speak, saying lashon hara about himself, it will inevitably affect the way she perceives him and relates toward him. While open communication and honesty is obviously important in a marriage, or in any relationship, there are certain limits to everything. In this case, one must draw limits when it comes to self-deprecating remarks. Nobody is perfect, and as human beings, we are all flawed -- that is the beauty of it. We would not be as interesting if we were all perfect. But at the same time, there is no need for us to draw attention to our failings.

You might think that you are only being honest because you care about someone and want them to know "the real you," but at what price? Are you willing to risk losing respect in the eyes of your wife or the woman you are dating? Are you willing to risk the failure of your relationship if, as Bad4Shidduchim wrote, you discuss your flaws on the first or second date and that is the first impression your date has of you?

It is easy to say that we should not judge a person or respect him less because of his flaws, since all of us have our flaws, but when that person parades his faults and stamps them onto his forehead, it is difficult not to view him in that light. I know that I try not to judge people unfavorably, but when they display themselves in a negative light and tell me how lazy, useless, or unintelligent they are, I cannot help but see them that way. I might say to them, "No, don't say that; you are not as bad or as unlikable as you think or make yourself seem," but at the same time, those words become imprinted on my mind in connection with this person. It has happened more than once to me that people spoke scornfully of themselves, and I formed a negative opinion of them based on that. And I really did not mean to do that.... That is just what happened as a result of what they said. It feels so ironic though that I lost respect for some people because they spoke self-deprecatingly about themselves.

People are serious when they tell you that sometimes you are your own worst enemy.

Here is an interesting excerpt from The Warsaw Ghetto Diaries, by Dr. Hillel Seidman:

"Finally, I arrive at my own office in Grzybowska Street, and again thousands wait outside. Men seek official marriage certificates to protect their wives, since there is also a rumor that those holding marriage certificates will not be deported. Inside the Kehillah, too, depression reigns; everybody believes that workers alone will not be expelled.

Incidentally, in the house of Rabbi Yitzchak Meir Kanal at 6 Twarda Street are also large crowds -- busily getting married! Bachelors who have work cards marry women who have no work, to save them from deportation. These mass marriages are conducted in great haste. Zionist chalutzim marry chalutzot; tzukunftisim (Bundists) marry tukunftisiot. Women still unmarried seek 'husbands.' The ancient prophesy rings true: 'And on that day seven women will clutch at one man saying we will eat our own bread, wear our own clothes -- just allow your name to protect us.'"

(p. 51)

I guess it didn't matter what type of tablecloths their mothers used or where the girls received their education. Remind me again, why are people so thick-headed these days? Is it because we have gotten so used to the good life that we think every little detail has to be the way we want it to be?

Yesterday, we visited Yad Vashem, the Israel Museum, and finally, Machane Yehuda.


My father had already visited Yad Vashem during his previous trip to Israel, while it was my first time seeing it. I have a lot to write about it, but I am doing so mostly in my Israel journal, not on my blog. It probably seems strange that I am dedicating only a couple of short paragraphs to something so important, while I can make an entire post just about the antics of Israelis, but the reason is that this is more personal.


One of the things that struck me in Yad Vashem was the connection between all Jews. There were all types of different Jews there -- Chareidi, daati, wearing kippot srugot, not religious at all, Israelis, Americans, Russians, Spanish, French. And yet you looked at all them and knew they were part of your nation. You felt able to relate to them, even though they were complete strangers. After viewing photographs or certain parts of the museum, you would catch someone's eye and acknowledge them as someone who is feeling the same way you are because you are all part of the same thing. It was unbelievable.


After Yad Vashem, we took a taxi to the Israel Museum, and we did not let ourselves be cheated. One driver offered us a ride for 40 shekel. No deal. He also offered to drive us to Ashdod, which was completely out of the blue.


In the Israel Museum, we saw four main exhibits. The actual museum is being renovated, but there were some exhibits open, such as Masks, Family Traces, a model of Jerusalem from the time of the Second Temple, and the Dead Sea Scrolls. I remember the scrolls were on display in NYC for some time last year and I wanted to see them, but I never ended up going.

The last part of our day involved Machane Yehuda. Now that was fun! I could have spent hours just walking around and exploring. It is the perfect place for observing people, and I believe that if I stood there for a couple of hours, I would be able to write fifteen pages about it at least.

You have Israelis yelling from all sides and inviting you to check out their shops. There are Israelis shoving halva in your face, insisting that you try it. (I shoved my camcorder in his face instead.) Then there are other Israelis enthusiastically waving at you when they see that you are filming the shuk. There is something about a camcorder or a camera that makes them feel encouraged to make their presence known.

At one point, I walked into a little shop full of odds and ends like broken watches, antique goblets and souvenirs, and other items -- just a bunch of stuff, much of it simply piled one on top of the other. That kind of stuff always seems to fascinate me, so I walked in.


The owner greeted me, and I replied, "Shalom," in return. I think he must have asked me something in Hebrew and I looked at him blankly because I had not understood it, so he asked me which language I speak. "Anglit v'rusi," I replied. He smiled and began talking to me in Russian, asking me where I am from, what I am doing here, and so on. I told him that I am from New York and am on vacation here in Israel. The next thing I knew, he was telling me that he has a son whom I can marry and settle down with in Israel permanently. I think I was too speechless to do much else but stare at him. He added in Russian, "He's younger than me!" I was still unable to actually say anything coherent. My thoughts were something along the lines of, "You have got to be kidding.... This is crazy!"


My father came looking for me, so I introduced him to the storeowner, who repeated his offer of his son's hand in marriage. My father seemed eager to get out of there, so I thanked the man for the offer, said goodbye, and went on to explore more of the craziness that is Machane Yehuda.

I decided to write this post after reading this one, but it took me a while to get to actually writing it.

Charles Dickens quickly became one of my favorite authors as I became interested in classic literature in elementary school. Whenever I went to the library, making a beeline for the assignments section, I would search for an interesting book I had not yet read. Honestly, I could stand there for an hour looking through different classic works, but if I did not have a lot of time in which to choose a book, I would just go with Charles Dickens, because I knew that his works were something I could always rely on to be interesting and profound. It is a good thing that he published so many books and most of them are quite long, because I still have not read all his works, so I have what to look forward to.

I find that his masterpieces contain a wide variety of interesting, deep characters, as well as thought-provoking ideas and statements. Sometimes, he can aptly sum up in one sentence a whole range of thoughts and emotions, and I often find myself stopping for as long as fifteen minutes just to digest and contemplate one thing he wrote. If I had somebody to discuss it with, each of those pauses would probably turn into a half-hour conversation.

I read Little Dorrit last year, and I bookmarked a few pages with lines that I particularly appreciated. So right now, I want to make a few observations about the book, talk about some quotes and the author's brilliance.

His method of portraying Mr. Dorrit’s character is both clever and amusing. Without explicitly stating that Mr. Dorrit becomes a pompous fool after he gets rich, Charles Dickens makes it quite clear to the readers that such is the case. He infuses an occasional “ha” or “hum” into Mr. Dorrit’s speech, which somehow tells the readers all they need to know and makes Mr. Dorrit seem somewhat ridiculous. Some people, we see, let their financial status get to their heads a bit too much.


Another thing I found fascinating was the letter Amy Dorrit wrote to Arthur Clennam during her travels. It was forcibly reminded of my ramblings in my journal. Amy wrote in the letter everything that happened to her, and she wrote paragraphs explaining her feelings. She filled up many pages in an attempt to fully describe her thoughts, emotions, and the reasons behind them. What particularly struck me was the fact that she was writing this to him. To me, it seems like something one would prefer to keep private, not something that should be fully explained with every detail in a letter -- especially since their relationship seemed somewhat uncertain and hazy. I suppose it shows what a trusting girl she was.

I wish Arthur could have examined Amy's letters with an open mind. To an outsider like me, it is plain as daylight that Amy loves Arthur and holds dear to her heart whatever he holds dear to his. It is strange that Arthur does not realize this, and if I was in their world—once I finished laughing at him—I would feel compelled to enlighten him.

“He had the power… of explaining what he himself perceived, and meant, with the direct force and distinctness with which it struck his own mind.”

That quote describes exactly how I wish my writing to be. I want to have that ability to write down my precise thoughts and emotions in a way that would enable my reader to understand and connect to it. And I must say -- I just loved that sentence.

Here are a few more quotes I appreciated:

* “New zig-zags sprung into the cruel pattern sometimes, when she saw it through a burst of tears.” I thought it was a rather brilliant way of describing crying.

* “Between the real landscape and its shadow in the water, there was no division; both were so untroubled and clear, and, while so fraught with solemn mystery of life and death, so hopefully reassuring to the gazer’s soothed heart, because so tenderly and mercifully beautiful.” Perhaps this explains our fascination with nature?

* “They came out of the avenue next moment, arm-in-arm as they had entered it: and the trees seemed to close up behind them in the darkness, like their own perspective of the past.” I found this sentence very beautiful. This was one of those things I had to pause for, just to let the idea and the brilliance of it sink in. I love when one sentence can so perfectly sum up an idea. Charles Dickens had that talent of packing so much significance into a single sentence, and that is one of the things I love about his writing. The same goes for the next quote.

* “While the flowers, pale and unreal in the moonlight, floated away upon the river; and thus do greater things that once were in our breasts, and near our hearts, flow from us to the eternal seas.”

* “He seemed to have an insatiate delight in appealing to her and looking at her; excitedly sticking his hair up and the same moment, like a dark species of cockatoo.” This kind of reminds me of my Pigeons and Shidduchim post.

* “…The waters of Venice and the ruins of Rome… were daily being sketched out of all earthly proportion, lineament, and likeness, by traveling pencils innumerable….”

I don't want to go on for hours (although I can), so I will stop here. I do recommend this book though -- as well as all other books by Charles Dickens -- to all of my readers.

Coming soon -- a post about another favorite of mine, Edgar Allan Poe!

I recently noticed a gray male pigeon strutting around in front of a female, trying his best to impress her while she pointedly ignored him. His neck was puffed up to three times its normal size, and he spread his tail feathers out like a fan. Apparently indignant at her indifference, he continued to persistently follow her while she walked away. He walked with his head in the air and his feathers all puffed up in an attempt to look important and impressive, but when he saw that it had no effect on the female pigeon, his feathers deflated and he went back to being a regular city pigeon -- just another pigeon, one of millions roaming around the city.

Does anyone else see any parallel here to our shidduchim system?

First impressions are important, but must we overdo it by putting on a show like the pigeons on the streets?

My finals start officially start tomorrow (unofficially, I have been in finals mode for the past couple of weeks with tests and essays to write), and I doubt I will have time to post in the next week or two, so I thought I would write up a short little post now about something I observed this week.

There is something sad about the last days of school. It is the end of a chapter of your life, something you can never return to. Therefore, it is understandable that some girls get a bit emotional.

However, what I heard this past week was just strange. We were waiting for our next teacher to come into the classroom, and as I was minding my own business, I heard one girl yell out to another girl across the room:

"____, can we please cry in class? It'd be so fun to cry! Let's cry! Please?!"

She fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you view it) did not see the look I was giving her.

Guys who are still in shidduchim -- good luck! Girls can be strange creatures, to be approached with caution.

With all that said, I must admit that I am very glad to be a girl. It means I won't have to put up with one in the future.