Intercision
6 years ago
We pass by thousands of people each day -- strangers who will never be anything to us, and strangers to whom we will never be anything. Those faces pass before our eyes and fade into oblivion -- and with them, thousands of opportunities to connect with other human beings, to have even a tiny little bit of impact on their lives.
I was sitting on the A train on Sunday, going back home at night from Washington Heights after a lovely day spent with my friends in the city and in the Heights, and I randomly remembered something that had happened last year.
I had been sitting on the train then too, almost like every evening, traveling home from Stern. I like to look at the people around me, to observe the multitude of individuals united here for the moment. There was a couple sitting across from me, a man and a woman dressed in cheerful brights colors and a rather unusual style. I couldn't help looking at them -- the way they were dressed looked so interesting. At the same time, I was attempting to get some homework done.
The couple stood up a few stops before mine, and as they were getting off the train, the woman handed me a folded up ticket stub, saying, "This is for you." Surprised, I simply said, "Oh, thanks." They quickly got off the train and the doors closed behind them before I could properly look at what she had handed me. I unfolded the ticket stub, and saw her elegant handwriting on the back. "You are very pretty :)" it said. I smiled.
I pass by thousands of strangers each day without remembering any of their faces. But one of those strangers had made a difference in my day. It's so amazing what one person can do with just a single small action. Each one of us can make such a difference in someone's day.... Let's take those opportunities when we see them, and create them when we don't see them.
Make the world a pleasanter place one action at a time.
With the release of the eighth and final Harry Potter movie this July (Deathly Hallows II), it seemed as if an era had come to a close. My friends and I had grown up with Harry Potter, and I remember eagerly awaiting the release of the last few books and devouring them as soon as they came out. It seemed appropriate to mark the occasion of the last movie's release by going to a midnight showing with a group of friends and dressing up like the nerd that I am. (Nowthat was a fun night.)
I also decided to read the seventh Harry Potter book again, realizing that I missed experiencing the magical feeling of the series. Also, as with any book, there are certain things that become more meaningful or clear when re-reading. This often happens as a result of one's own life experiences, which expand with every day and allow us to see things under a new light.
My favorite character in the series is Severus Snape, so when I see his name, I automatically pay more attention. This time, I zeroed in on the scene in the book where Harry Potter is looking into the Pensieve at Snape's memories towards the end of the book, after Snape has been killed.
Throughout his memories, there seems to be a common theme: Snape as the outsider. From the beginning, when he meets Lily and Petunia, he is shown as a friendless outsider, someone people either just don't want to associate with or actively persecute (such as James Potter and his friends).
There is one memory of Snape's in which he is in Hogwarts, talking to Lily Evans, and she is criticizing him for his choice of friends, whom she describes as "evil." Considering he didn't have any friends before except for Lily, it is interesting to observe that as soon as there is mention of him having friends they are "creepy" and "evil" and wannabe Death Eaters who want to join Voldemort. It's pretty obvious that joining Voldemort would be the first time people like Snape would have a place where they could belong and no longer feel inferior, a tempting opportunity for someone who has always been rejected and made to feel worthless. It's no surprise then when Snape joins the Death Eaters. It is, however, sad that he had to resort to that in order to feel a sense of belonging.
Now, Snape made his own life choices, and I am not denying his culpability. But I am wondering, how differently could things have turned out had his adolescence been a happier one?
And... what are the consequences when we as a society or as a community or simply as a group of friends decide that we have the right to reject someone for whatever reason, to make them feel unwelcome? Why do we fail to realize the effect that that can have on a person, either directly or indirectly in combination with other factors? People are affected by those around them and by what happens to them. Sometimes it takes a while to build up, but even the smallest things can become a part of us. We must be careful with our words and actions, because no matter how unimportant they may seem to us, they may mean a whole lot more to another person.
I realize I've been rather silent lately. It is not because I have had nothing to say, but rather because there was too much to say and think about and I wasn't quite sure where to start, or whether to start. I try to keep a little divider between my blog and my real life and I am careful with what I share here, especially since this blog isn't anonymous.
Since my semester ended on May 25th, I've had a rather eventful summer. I think I could even say that I've had almost enough fun for one summer. I am definitely ready for the fall semester to start though; but I'll have to wait until August 31st for that. I miss Stern -- the classes, the friends, the Shabbatonim, the events and the fun.
I spent Shavuot in Washington DC with Ohev Sholom: The National Synagogue as part of YU's Torah Tours program, which was an amazing experience. The community was incredibly warm and welcoming, and I would love to go back there one day.
The rest of June and July I spent mostly in the city, meeting up with friends and relaxing for the first time since Pesach. My parents even went to Israel for a couple of weeks and I got a taste of independent life, which was nice. I've also been doing some writing, some of which I hope to be able to share at some point before the end of the summer.
There are a couple of topics I'd like to blog about (there's also a lot more to add to the homosexuality discussion), but for now I just wanted to say that I'm still here, still blogging, even if the posts are a bit slow in coming sometimes.
In my previous post, I mentioned breaking free in terms of the choices you make -- not allowing others' perception of you stop you from being the person you feel you have to be and making the choices that are right for you. For me, breaking free has another component: being able to stand up for justice when you witness injustice.
In a way, it is easier to break free of the restraints other people impose on you when you are doing so for your own benefit, because you are frustrated enough with the way your life is that you are motivated to do something about it. There comes a point when you feel the need to stand up for yourself and say, "This is who I am; please understand that and stop telling me things like 'this isn't the person I know' or 'you aren't that kind of person.'" At some point you are able to tell people, "I'm sorry, but don't you think I would know what type of person I am better than you, since you don't know what goes on in my head?" When things like that happen, you feel a greater need to break free. The opinions of others matter to you, but not enough for you to keep sacrificing yourself and keeping your mouth shut.
But what about situations that are not about you but about someone else? While you would break free for yourself, would you do that for others? Would you consciously cast off the restraints that have shaped your life because your sense of justice is outraged by something you see happening to someone else? We're not talking about minor things, about telling someone off for some minor injustice. We're talking about issues that, if you take a certain stance, people are likely not only to judge you but to condemn and even attack you. While you would be motivated to stand up for what you believe in if it personally affected you, would you be brave enough to do that for other people? For the people in your life, and even for the people who are not in your life personally but are a part of the community you live in?
Fear keeps our mouths closed. We can believe in certain things, certain truths, we can mentally protest at the injustice that we witness, we can cry when we see what is happening, we can be passionate in our indignation, but are we brave enough to voice it? Or do we keep silent because our fear paralyzes us? Do we stand helplessly by as other people are hurt? When we know what is happening and every fiber of our being is protesting against it, why do we stand still? Are others' perceptions and expectations of us so important that we are willing to sacrifice truth, justice, honesty, and compassion? That we are willing to sacrifice people?
At what point do we ignore that fear and show where and with whom we stand, even when we know what kinds of reactions we will receive?
Choices are not easy to begin with; you have to live with your choice and it can completely change the direction of your life, whether for good or bad. But at some point you feel ready to make that choice, because after much deliberation you have reached the conclusion that it is what is best for you. You've agonized, spent sleepless nights thinking, scrutinized all the choices before you, spoken to people who would understand where you're coming from. And you're ready. You're ready for yourself.
But you're not ready to be open about it, because the rest of the people in your life don't make it easy for you to make that decision even when you feel that it is right for the person you are, the person they have not yet gotten to know. It is a fact of life that people have a hard time reconciling the little child they knew to the person you are now. But the child they knew was only a product of his/her upbringing, still unable to make informed decisions at crucial moments. They were used to this child; this child did what he/she was expected to do, the child's ideals were in line with the adults' ideals, and aside from the occasional lapses in behavior, everything was fine.
The problem begins when the child becomes his/her own person, learns, reads, is exposed to new ideas, experiences the world, sees firsthand what life is about, meets new people, and starts to create his/her own understanding of how life should be lived.
This is about someone who is finding a place in the world, who wants to live with eyes and heart wide open. Naive? Idealistic? Perhaps. But also introspective, thoughtful, informed? Yes.
Children, as they grow up, need to be given space to be themselves. If you try too hard to choke them with your own truths, you will alienate them. But so many people don't understand this. They cannot accept it when they see that you are becoming your own person, making your own choices. They don't know you; they don't see what is going on inside your head. All they see is the child they knew.
That makes it more difficult to be the person you want to be, the person you know with every fiber of your being is you. You become so caught up with others' perception of you that you begin stunting your own growth. And that's not good.
At some point, the time comes to break free -- to be honest, to be truthful, to talk to people and know that you can be yourself; you do not have to pretend to be the person others expect you to be. Being honest with yourself is not enough; you have to be honest with the people in your life, with the world, both in your daily face-to-face interactions and your writing or whatever other forms of self-expression you may want to use.
Breaking free -- what does it mean to you?
The Jewish Press recently published a piece I wrote, which was inspired by my transition from a high school student to a college student studying in the heart of Manhattan.
Read it here.
Since I started the spring semester I haven't had much time to blog, since I was kept quite busy by a heavy load of classes and a liberal amount of extracurricular activities. Barely having a moment to breathe has its advantages though, and I think I like it, despite the sleep deprivation and all. When there is so much to do and so little time, you don't stop to think and you don't have time to waste on complaining and feeling down. You just have to jump straight into it and work, work, work, juggling multiple projects and assignments and trying to accomplish everything in the short amount of time given. Sometimes I wonder why I take on so many things at once if my free time is almost inexistent as it is, but I think I know the answer.... It makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, and that gives me encouragement and motivates me to do more and to achieve more. All of the experiences are rewarding, and I want to make the most of my four years in Stern.
And then, in addition to all of my usual activities and responsibilities, I often dedicate my evenings to various events on campus. It's shaping up to be a pretty busy month already! Here are some of the things that have been going on....
On Monday, February 7th, Rabbi Natan Slifkin came to speak a nearly full audience of Yeshiva University students about heresy and what it is. I found it very interesting and am grateful to the students who organized this event. I love it when such awesome things as this happen at YU. You can learn more about Rabbi Slifkin on his website or by reading his blog.
Another thing that has been happening at YU is the Seforim Sale -- a book-lover's heaven that is advertised as "the largest Jewish book sale in North America." It is open until February 27th, and the hours are on their website. Seriously, every Jew living in the NY area should visit the Seforim Sale at least once. They have a large catalog of books, seforim, and CDs, and the prices are much lower than in regular bookstores. I've already been there twice this month and hope to go at least twice more before it is over. I will hopefully be there doing something on February 21st and 23rd, so come over and say hi.
What made the sale even more awesome today was a performance by the acapella group Six13. Of all the Jewish groups out there, Six13 has been my favorite for years so seeing them perform live was rather exciting.
Also, a new exhibit by Sebastian Mendes called "There is a Mirror in My Heart: Reflections on a Righteous Grandfather" opened at the Yeshiva University Museum, in addition to the Ruth Schreiber "Letters from my Grandparents" exhibit that opened last month. The Zero to Ten: Decades gallery is also open, with many fascinating things on display. I am IY"H going to be giving a short tour through the museum on Sunday, February 27th at 2 PM, so feel free to stop by! Entrance is free for YU students with ID.
As you can see, there are many exciting things going on now and never a dull moment, B"H. It's all good!
Remember Annie? Annie is the ray of sunshine that entered my life a few years ago and found her way into my heart. She is beautiful, inside and out, and just as she brings a smile to my face when I see her, so too I wish for her to have a life full of happiness and all the very best. This is for Annie....
Life has its ups and downs, but it's important to remember that there will always be an 'up' and that this rollercoaster has to climb up too. And yes, life throws things at us that we are often completely unprepared to handle, but we do not have to handle them alone. There are times when we want to give up, when life becomes overwhelming, but this too shall pass.
The strong, resilient, brave individual that I know will pass through this and become stronger than ever and will go on to succeed and achieve great things and win the love and admiration of many more people -- because I believe that she can.
So keep your head up, for tomorrow is another day. Never forget that you are an amazing and unique individual with a lot to offer the world, and you'll shine. <3
In life, you want to have progress. You want to continue to always get better at what you do and work harder and achieve more. But sometimes, no matter how much you want it, it's difficult and you become frustrated because you just don't know what to do. Well, that's how I feel right now about my creativity.
I used to write every day. I could become wrapped up in a novel and work on it for months and pour all of my energy and thought into it. I could write ten short stories in a week -- stories that I would put away in a folder somewhere and then find a year later and think, "Wow, this is actually pretty good! I like it! Did I really write this?"
Well, that was then. Now, I can't remember when was the last time I wrote a short story or worked on my novel. Now it's just blog posts, articles, essays, journals. Mundane things that generally contain barely any creativity. Sure, it comes easily to me -- but it's not what I am passionate about. Writing fiction used to make me feel so alive and excited! I would start writing a story and get lost in it, forgetting everything around me, tuning out the whole world, and just existing in one where I could create the rules.
I think I realized partially now what has changed and why I haven't been able to do that for a while. When I used to write before, it was because there was something in my life that I wished could be different, and I expressed that through my writing. I would create a world in which it was different, where it was the way I wanted it to be. Anything I wanted could come into existence through my pen, and I took advantage of that opportunity. If I wasn't feeling so happy and wanted to escape from reality for a bit, I knew where to go. Even when I was just bored out of my mind during some classes, I knew that I could find adventure without disturbing anyone. Writing made me happy; it was intoxicating for me.
As you can probably tell from some of my recent posts in which I'm on a Stern-high, I haven't really felt compelled to change my life recently. The past few months have been the best ones of my life so far, and I'm living and enjoying life to the fullest. An unfortunate side-effect of that is writer's block. Anger, pain, sadness -- they're all so easy to translate into writing. I can use those feelings in order to throw myself deeper into the stories I'm writing. But happiness, satisfaction, serenity? They seem to achieve the opposite effect.
I am thankful that my life is at such a good point right now. But I miss that feeling of writing because I feel I need to, that intense feeling that compels me to write and to create. Quite frankly, I'm at a bit of a loss right now as to how to regain that feeling and made it coexist with my current happy state of mind.
In the words of Jim Boggia, whose songs are among the most meaningful in my iTunes library, "‘Cause I can wax philosophic/‘bout my troubles and my pain./Go on and on and on/when I’ve got reason to complain" and "I used to spend a lot of time thinking about the way things might have been./That kind of thing often inspired me to sit down with paper and a pen." Check out the song on iTunes -- it's called 'Made Me So Happy,' and I absolutely love it.
I took my last final of the semester on Tuesday and submitted my last philosophy paper (which was very interesting to write even though I was rather short on time), and that means that I am now done with my first semester at college. Yay! :] This calls for a celebration! My first semester at Stern flew by pretty quickly, and those few months were some of the best in my life. I took fascinating new subjects, met interesting people and made amazing friends, got involved with a number of clubs, and got barely any sleep during the week because there was always just so much to do! And now I get nearly three weeks to take a few deep breaths and rest before jumping into my second semester.
You know, I spent part of this past summer wishing it would pass by quicker so that I could finally be in Stern. I couldn't wait to start this new adventure and experience Stern, but sometimes I wondered how disappointed I would be if the reality didn't live up to my dreams. Reality is almost never as perfect as a dream, and it would be ridiculous to expect it. But the past few months really have been a dream, and I can't remember when I have been happier in my life. In Stern, I can be running on less than 3 hours of sleep a night and yet I will still walk down the street to college with a huge smile on my face and humming a song to myself, thanking G-d for being alive. I'm happy here.... Sure, I spend about two hours in total each day on the commute and I stay up late at night writing long papers and studying, but life's good. It's this indescribable floating feeling, almost as if I have wings and am soaring.
When I was registering for classes in August, I figured I would take it easy my first semester and get used to college first. So I only took 6 courses, thinking that would be enough at first. Well, I found that 6 courses left me with plenty of free time, especially since midterms hadn't started yet. So I went ahead and joined a few clubs and got involved with many extracurricular activities and found new ways of filling up my time. And because I like looking back, here is a breakdown of what I've been doing these past few months...
~ I took some very rewarding courses -- Samuel I, Intro to Talmud, Hebrew, Great Ideas of Philosophy, French, and Historiography. I don't think I ever worked as hard for any other class as I did for that last one. It involved extensive readings twice a week and four 6-page papers over the course of the semester. I would finish those papers close to 6:30 AM, when my father would be leaving for work. He felt bad for me that I was going to sleep so late, and I felt bad for him that he was waking up and going to work that early. The bottom line is that 6:30 AM is not a good time to be up, but we all do what we have to do. Let me just say that the A I got in historiography was the most hard-earned A of my life so far. It's actually good in a way -- I can be proud of myself for it because I feel as if I really deserve it.
~ I made friends with so many people from all over the world and I feel so blessed to have them in my life now. There used to be times in my life where I felt I couldn't share certain things with my friends just because our interests were so different and even though they might patiently listen because they were my friends and cared about me, they wouldn't fully understand where I'm coming from. Well, the student body at Stern is huge and there are girls from all different walks of life and I've already met some that have become such good friends to me. They make me feel so comfortable around them, and I feel I can trust them with anything. There are some girls who gladly invited me to stay with them when I wanted to spend Shabbat in Stern or had to be in the city late and needed a place to stay.
~ I started giving docent tours at the Yeshiva University Museum, which has also been a very rewarding experience so far. In order to give tours, I first had to study the exhibits and learn more about them, which was interesting and gave me an opportunity to learn so many new things.
~ I became a board member of the Creative Writing & Poetry Club in Stern. I was so excited when I heard that such a club even existed, because it is pretty much a dream come true for me. We had some awesome, fun events already and hopefully next semester will be awesome too.
~ I wrote my first article for Stern's official student newspaper, The Observer, and it was published in the December issue.
~ I learned of the existence of the Russian Club in Stern, which put such a huge smile on my face because I love bonding with fellow Russians. Actually, I have met so many Russian people in Stern with whom I felt an automatic connection. It's funny because in all other colleges, Jews automatically feel connected to the other Jews in their classes because they have something in common, while in Stern everyone is Jewish so you have to narrow it down a bit.
~ I went on a scavenger hunt with some other students at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Although I've been to the museum many times over the past few years and know it almost inside out, that was a completely different experience and it was a lot of fun!
~ I spent Shabbat in Stern 4 times and loved it each time. Kabbalat Shabbat in Stern can be one of the most beautiful experiences ever. The only thing that took some adjusting to is the fact that I was walking around Manhattan on Shabbat. I kept thinking, "Hold on... but this is the place where I go to classes and go shopping and go to Broadway shows. And now I'm here on Shabbat? Odd..."
~ I took a YU shuttle for the first time in order to go up to Yeshiva University in Washington Heights to see the YCDS's production of The Andersonville Trial. The play was well-done and so incredibly intense. Walking back to the subway afterwards late at night and getting lost in Washington Heights was also intense, but in a different way. (I am not planning on repeating that experience.)
~ I joined the crew of the Stern College Dramatic Society's production of Pirates of Penzance as the props master... and, well, the go-to person whenever there is running to be done. I think one night during rehearsals I went to CVS three times in the course of two or three hours. By the end of the week, I was getting amused looks from the cashiers. (The look I got when I went to CVS twice within the course of half an hour was priceless.) Being a part of SCDS was the most awesome thing ever though. The people who were part of it were so welcoming and fun to work with, even though I was the freshman newbie and all. I was in awe of the incredible talent that girls possessed and it was inspiring to see their dedication and the work both the cast and the crew put into the show. Honestly, by the end of it all we felt like one big happy (sometimes dysfunctional) family, and I love it. We spent the Shabbat before the first performance together, which ranks among the most amazing ones in my life. And of course, with most of the people there being talented singers, you can imagine that the rendition of Eishet Chayil was the most beautiful one ever. But above all, I had such a good time just being with these girls (or, to follow Stern's language policy, women), smiling and laughing and singing, and getting to know everyone and finding people who are like my soul twins. I love my SCDS rockstars. :]
~ And last but certainly not least... I neglected my blog. Yes, I'm sorry. Two posts a month just isn't going to cut it. It's not that I have little to say -- there are a lot of things I'd like to write about and want to share, but I always seem to find other things that I need/want to do. I'm going to try to get myself back into blog-writing mode, so look for some more posts in the near future. :]
And for those who actually got through this whole long post and read everything -- I have to say, you are true friends. For those who can't get through all that, here is the CliffNotes version (and I'm sure you're still true friends, just very impatient or busy ones): I have spent a semester at Stern that might as well have come straight out of a movie and I love Stern and I love Stern students and I'm involved in a bunch of things in Stern and my life revolves around Stern. There. :]
I just read an interesting article in the Jewish Press by Blimi Westreich on sleep deprivation and whether or not waking up early makes one more productive. You can read the full article online. Basically, she uses surveys, expert sources (such as researchers and neurosurgeons) to say that teenagers are less likely to do well in school early in the mornings and cannot reach their potential in morning classes because "teens don't reach their full level of alertness until the afternoon." There has been a movement to make school begin later in the day and the schools that have implemented this have announced good results, including higher attendance, better grades, lower drop-out rates, and fewer cases of depression. Students were happy that they did not have to wake up as early, parents were happy that their teenagers became at least slightly less irritable, and teachers were happy because students were no longer as likely to fall asleep in their classes and showed up alert to first-period classes.
While I cannot verify this information and don't know if it is fully accurate or not, it does make a lot of sense. I used to have to wake up at 7:30 AM every morning to go to school. That actually isn't so bad compared to what some of my friends had to do in order to commute to school, but for me it was very unpleasant nevertheless. I am the type of person who enjoys learning and therefore doesn't mind spending long hours in school (my high school hours were from 8:30 AM to 5:05 PM), but I must admit that waking up early made me pretty miserable and irritable.
When I got to college and had the ability to set my own hours and decide when I want to start classes every day, you can be sure that I opted for the later classes. During my first semester, I started classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:30 AM (waking up at 8:15) and on Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:55 AM (waking up at 9:45). Although I was not waking up that much later than I had in high school, it did make somewhat of a difference, as did starting classes later. Once I wake up I have more time to orient myself and get myself together. I have time for tea and breakfast and I can have a nice morning chat with my mom before going off to college. I then have a 40-minute ride on the train during which I can either nap or do whatever work I had not yet finished (usually reading assignments). I also take a 15-minute walk from the train to college, and by the time that is all over, I am pretty awake and alert and able to learn during my first class. Contrast that to high school, when I would pull myself out of bed, rush through my morning routine, skip breakfast, and hurry out of the house so I could be in school by 8:30. Sure, I could have woken up earlier for high school to give myself time for breakfast and everything else, but it just didn't seem worth it.
I am not getting more sleep now that I am in college than when I was in high school. If anything, I am getting less. But I feel more energetic overall and am more alert in class, so I definitely think there is something to the idea. Anyway, it was just something interesting I read that I wanted to share with others. :]
It's been a while since I could actually sit down to write a real blog post (apart from the one on Stern College). Well, my only excuse is that this has been one of the busiest months this year for me. It started off with midterms, reached a high point with my best friend's wedding, and is now ending off with even more work and running around to do.
A new exhibit opened at the Yeshiva University Museum recently which celebrates the first ten years in that new building. The exhibit, Zero to Ten, features a lot of awesome pieces from the museum's collection, including the Baal Shem Tov's Torah, a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to a Jew, ancient books, and other pieces of Jewish history. I gave a tour of the museum on Sunday, which was nice and gave me the opportunity to interact with some interesting people who had a lot to add to the conversation. I love hearing everyone's outlook because every individual has his/her own unique perspective based on personal experience. Anyway, I encourage you to check out this new exhibit, as well as the other ones that are up now -- Andi Arnovitz's works and the 16mm Postcards exhibit of pre-war Poland.
In other news, my birthday is later this week -- December 3rd. I've been so wrapped up in day-to-day life that I didn't fully realize how soon it was. Birthday, Chanuka, a truckload of assignments and events at Stern... Yep, life is fun. :]
People spend their whole lives looking for meaning, trying to find something that will justify their existence and give them a reason to continue working and striving, to continue fighting for what they know is right and not to give up even when it seems as if everything is falling down around them. We often have such moments when we are ready to give up because nothing is going right and it looks like all our efforts are worthless and bring no results. As we realize the insignificance of a single human life in the context of the entire world, we despair and make the mistake of thinking that what we do does not matter.
There is an interesting passage about it in Chaim Potok's The Chosen. Chaim Potok is a brilliant writer and I really enjoy his books for their depth and their understand of human (and particularly religious) nature. I love the way he explores issues that relate to our religious community and have meaning for us, and his novels are so easy to get into because we can connect with the characters based on our own experiences.
Reuven, the protagonist of The Chosen, is worried because his father is putting what he feels are unnecessarily long hours into his work and his efforts to support a Zionistic state (this takes place before the establishment of the state of Israel). His father works late every night and barely sleeps, and when Reuven sees that it is taking a toll on his health, he feels the need to protest and to urge his father to see the doctor and to "take it a little easy." This is his father's response:
"Human beings do not live forever, Reuven. We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye? ... I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that the blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one's life with meaning. That I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here."
When I look back on the past four years and at the changes that I have undergone, I realize more than ever the importance of choosing the right high school. It is different for each individual, and one student can flourish and succeed in a certain high school, while another student will suffocate, feel miserable, and look back on those four years with resentment. Looking at my graduating class, I see girls who fall under both categories and anywhere in between. There are girls who have reached heights that they cannot imagine achieving in any other school, and they will look back at their high school years with fondness, tinged with a bittersweet longing, wishing they could come back and gain even more but knowing that they must move on. There are girls who did all they had to do in high school, passed their tests and completed their assignments, and look at high school as just another one of the things that they had to go through as part of life. And then there are girls who went through high school feeling frustrated and resentful because they thought they did not have the freedom to do what they wanted and were being restricted and choked by the school's standards. To them, graduation meant finally being able to do as they pleased without the fear of being caught or suffering consequences. (Of course, many of these girls did as they pleased even in high school, but it is so much more pleasant doing what you want without having this worrying thought somewhere in the back of your mind that you might get caught.) These girls appreciated school mostly because of the opportunities it gave them of making new friendships. In other words, they liked the social aspect, but the good feelings stopped there.
To determine which category I fall under would be difficult, since I have experienced all three. I have raged, rebelled, toiled, stressed, appreciated, and loved. I experienced frustration, disappointment, despair, happiness, attachment, and delight. But I could not experience the last three until I had re-evaluated my priorities, examined my life with honesty, and decided upon which path I wanted to embark and what was the best way of getting to the destination I wanted to reach. Before I did that, I could not appreciate; I could only see limitations wherever I turned. And I am sure that there are girls who still see it that way and never learned to let go of their prejudice.
Now, when I look back on the past four years, and the last two in particular, I am struck by how much I have learned and gained, and by my growth as a person. I am definitely not the same person I was when I walked into high school, prepared for battle. Once I realized that high school was not hostile territory, despite all its rules and expectations, I was able to begin to truly learn. I was able to connect with sincere, truth-seeking students and embark on a journey together. I was able to also connect with so many teachers, whose patience and generosity made me feel comfortable approaching them with my questions, my doubts, and my struggles. Honestly, I think that my teachers were the most important part of my high school experience, helping me grow and understand myself better without being judgmental or severe. They have encouraged me to seek the truth, be true to myself, and make the most out of everything. They have expressed faith in me, giving me support and investing time and effort in helping me when I needed it. They were always available, during lunch breaks, free periods, on the phone....
It was such a regular part of my life and it was always so easy that I took it for granted. The last couple of months, it struck me that I only had a few more weeks, and then I would be gone. It would no longer be as easy as having long discussions during lunch and school hours. I'm going to miss that, probably more than anything else. I'm also going to miss all those classes that opened my eyes and my mind, which mattered so much to me. I'm going to miss walking into my favorite classes with that eagerness and desire to learn. Of course, there will be no end of interesting classes in Stern (and I am already looking forward to them with much excitement), but it's different. It's a change of pace and a completely different atmosphere. It is one I hope to gain much from, but it is not one I am used to.
And now, I have just a couple of months dividing the high school experience that I miss so much and the beginning of a new experience at Stern. Why do I have the impression that this will feel like the longest summer I have experienced thus far?
It is hard for me to believe that I am graduating on the 22nd of June. When people told me that 12th grade would fly by, I did not realize it would be this quick. It is as if I just yesterday stepped into the school again after the summer, prepared to settle in for another whole year. Ten months seemed like such a long time, and even now when I say it, I think, "It could not possibly have been ten months!" Well, I'm done. I still have Regents examinations next week, but otherwise, I am done. I finished classes last week, finished my finals this week, and I need only to wait a couple of weeks to graduate.
When I was a little first grader, I looked up with awe at the 3rd and 4th graders. And then when I was in their place, I proceeded to look up with awe at the junior high students. It was hard to wrap my little mind around the fact that they were so high up that they were almost graduating elementary school. And as for high school students -- they were just marvelous creatures. They had their own building that we were not allowed into, and they had different uniforms, and they were so.. well.. old. I could not imagine being in high school. And now that I am graduating high school, I look back at the little kid version of me with amusement. I have been waiting for this moment for years, and now it is almost here.
The past four years were so important in forming who I am today, and as I look back on them, I see how far I have come and how much I have changed and grown. It has been at times a rough and bumpy road, but it was the right one, as I feel that I have arrived at the right destination. And soon, I will be embarking on another road, and I feel it is the right one, too.
And that brings me to my plans for next year. As you might recall, I had asked for Brooklyn seminary suggestions back in October, but I did not mention anything after that. Well, that is because I ended up choosing not to go to seminary. I thought I would go to seminary in the mornings and then attend Brooklyn College in the afternoons, but I decided to do college full time instead... and I chose to go to a different college as well... which is why, as of fall 2010, I am going to be a full-time Stern College (YU) student! A year ago, I would not have believed it. It was not an easy choice to make, but once I made up my mind and realized that this is what is right for me, I was pretty excited about it. In fact, now that I got the schedule for orientation in August, I am downright psyched! I cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to it.
I probably will not know anyone there, since most of my friends are going off to seminary or to different colleges, so if anyone here knows someone who's going to Stern next year (or is going herself), say hi!
There is something about mornings that is just not fun. It's a time when you don't particularly want to do anything, and quite frankly, you don't want to deal with life yet. Good or bad -- you don't want to hear about it. And you also probably don't want to wake up with 5 missed calls and peppy voicemails, which you know you have to return eventually.
You know how some people say you should not call others past a certain time, especially if they have little kids sleeping? Well, here's a new one -- people, please don't call me before noon on a day when I have no classes and am trying to get back all those hours of sleep I lost in the past weeks, especially if you already know that I sleep late on days like these. Calling me that early won't get you anywhere, even if you call three times. My ringer is off and you will not reach me until I wake up anyway -- so just wait.
It always annoys me when people call a few times in a row, or leave multiple messages, as it will not increase the chances of me picking up when I am asleep.
So the next time you are thinking of calling me, ask yourself two questions:
1. Is it at all possible that I might be sleeping?
2. Did you already call me a couple of times that morning?
3. Have I told you in the past that I don't want you calling me early in the morning?
Thank you. And now I am off to have breakfast.
What can be better than waking up at 11:30 AM after a wonderful full nine hours of sleep, knowing that you do not have to get up right away, and looking out the window to see a beautiful world covered in snow, white and peaceful?
Now this is what I call winter.
It looks as if it would be such fun to run around and jump in that snow and have a snowball fight, but with whom? Anyone here in Flatbush up for that?
Meanwhile, I am diligently working on all my homework and assignments. Yes, I am using my day off from school to work on all those things.... I am preparing a parsha lesson for this Friday on Parshat Mishpatim (parts of which I would like to share on my blog once I am done), doing Pirkei Avot homework, reading and taking notes on three chapters of a book on Jewish history (in Hebrew), completing a homework sheet on the 1920s in America, finding topics for my speech for class, and so on. If at any time somebody wants to introduce some more fun into that schedule, you are more than welcome to do so.
Life is pretty good right now. I finished finals earlier this month and then enjoyed my week of midwinter vacation. Work hard, play hard. It seems that around finals time there is not much of a chance to have fun with friends, so my friends and I made up for that with a get-together last Shabbat as well as a sleepover on Motzei Shabbat, where I was introduced to Dance Dance Revolution. I also somehow found myself spending five days in Manhattan (all part of the 'play hard' plan) and had a wonderful time. I went for a bit of entertainment and music on some of those days. Another day I went shopping with my friends and realized more than ever just how amazing they are. (I even got a little story for my readers from Annie, which I'll have to post later.) And since a vacation cannot be all fun, I threw in just the right dose of business -- a college interview on Tuesday. To my great surprise, that turned out to be fun as well. I think that the last time my readers heard of this topic, I was saying that I wanted to go to Brooklyn College and was also searching for a seminary in Brooklyn to go to part-time. Well, a lot of things have changed since then, and I must write about that too! After my college interview, I basked in the beauty of Manhattan on a chilly January day before heading up to Washington Heights for YU's SOY Seforim Sale, where I met Chana, who was surprisingly bouncy and full of energy even after donating blood. (I am not quite sure how she does it.) So I now have enough reading material to last me some time, and I am very excited about that. I ended my vacation on a high note on Wednesday with another evening of entertainment in Manhattan, and on Thursday I reluctantly returned to school for the spring semester.
I have not had this much fun in months. :]
And the best part of it is that I am motivated to write now and work on my novel! Happy Hannah.
I love, love, love my friends. But this post is dedicated to the three with whom I spent the time between finals today in school -- the three who can make me just relax and stop worrying about my finals and think about how fortunate I am in having such friends.
Mornings are not the happiest of times during the school year, especially after you have had a grand total of four hours of sleep the night before and are quite stressed and would like nothing more than to hibernate and not have to do anything or speak to anyone. But I am very fortunate in that there are three very lovely individuals whose smiles brighten my mornings when I come to school. I do not enjoy mornings, and therefore I was very shocked as, when I was about to go to sleep late one night, I thought to myself that I am very excited for the morning to come, so I can wake up and go to school. And why was I so looking forward to that? Because I would see my three wonderful, amazing, delightful friends. And when I am looking forward to waking up so I can see someone, you know that they are really something special. And they are.
We often say that we are like a family -- and we are. We are there for each other, we listen, we discuss, we comfort, we advise, we smile, we laugh. They are the kinds of people that I can just run up to and randomly hug.
I am only sorry that next year we will no longer be together there. I hope that we will always be together, but there is something special about seeing each other every day in school and spending most lunchtimes together -- in the library or sitting around the piano in the auditorium -- that cannot be duplicated. I feel like I have finally found my place, like I am a part of something beautiful and special, and I do not want this to end. Who knows? Perhaps a year from now we will all be sitting together around another piano, in someone's living room, saying, "Remember when...?" and feeling as if it happened so long ago, when in reality not that much time has passed. I certainly hope that despite our different paths in life and plans for the future years, we will all find time to get together, like a family at a Shabbat dinner table. All the members have their own lives, their own places and responsibilities, but they all come together regularly and unite once more.
So who are these three beautiful individuals who make me smile and laugh and be joyful and thankful for my life? There is Selene*, whom I have known since pre-school. There is Elise*, whom I met a number of years ago. And then there is Annie*, who caught my attention quite unexpectedly when she came to my school last year. What boggles my mind every day though is how we all found each other and how everything connected so perfectly. (I am actually still not quite sure how that happened....)
Selene is a bright, mature, responsible girl with a heart of gold. (Actually, all three of them have a heart of gold.) She is thoughtful and grounded, and she thinks about things thoroughly before accepting them. She cares about the truth and stands up for it. She is not afraid to speak about what she thinks is right, even if by doing so she alienates herself from the rest of the class. She feels strongly, and the way in which she expresses her feelings proves the intensity of them. She is dedicated to her beliefs and will not be swayed or influenced by popular opinion. This is the kind of girl that will never give in to peer pressure. She knows who she is and what she stands for, and she will not give it up even if she is outnumbered five to one in a debate. She does not try to be who she is not in order to fit in, and one of the things I love so much about her is her frankness. You always know where you stand with her and you know that all her words are sincere. There are no mind games and there is no manipulation -- everything is straightforward, honest, and clear. If she says something, she means it, and if something needs to be discussed, it is done without melodrama. You don't have to play guessing games with her or constantly wonder whether she means what she says. If something is wrong, she will tell you directly, instead of pretending that all is fine and well and leaving you frustrated, wondering what that is all about. Unfortunately, it has become so common for girls to be manipulative in their social interactions that a gem like Selene is hard to come by. Talking to her is wonderfully refreshing because she is opinionated, well-spoken, and multi-faceted. I keep discovering new things about her every day and there is no such thing as running out of things to discuss when we are having a conversation. Selene can be both serious and lighthearted, depending on the situation, and conversations can go from being light to being deep in a matter of minutes. But no matter what the conversation is about, she would never allow a hurtful word to pass her lips when she is speaking to her friends. Even if my opinion ever differs from hers, she does not deride me for it or imply even through a facial expression that I might be wrong. I have plenty of friends who will look at me as if I have grown a second head if I do so much as think, act, or dress outside the box. But Selene can appreciate a person's individuality instead of criticizing it. In fact, she values people who feel comfortable enough in their own skin that they do not feel they need to conform. And she is that type of person herself. She is not afraid to be different and to make up her own rules instead of going along with the rest of the mindless herd. Selene is Selene, and nobody can take that away from her. And when she smiles, her whole face just lights up, and it is so beautiful to behold. She smiles with her eyes, and they sparkle and glow, and it just makes you want to smile along with her -- and I do.
Elise is one of the most easygoing people I know. When I first met her, I was dazzled by how high on life she seemed. She smiled easily, she cracked jokes, and she was like a little ball of energy that just keeps on bouncing. If someone sneaks up behind me and unexpectedly envelops me in a hug, it is most likely to be Elise. She spreads joy wherever she goes, and the effect it has on our little group is palpable. Even when she is going through something difficult, she still has enough of that energy of hers to make all the rest of us feel good. She cares deeply for her friends and is always willing to lend an ear or a shoulder. She is the embodiment of compassion, empathy, and kindness, and there is in her what can only be described as absolute goodness. I have yet to meet another person who cares so deeply about her friends and feels for them as keenly as if it had been for herself. If a friend is in pain, Elise is in pain. But she does not limit her compassion to merely feeling; she takes it upon herself to make her friends feel better, using as much of her time and energy as necessary. When a friend needs to vent, Elise is there to listen and advise, and when the friend does not wish to speak, Elise does everything that is in her power to show that she cares. And often, that is just as important as anything else. When you know that there is someone who cares about you and loves you and wishes to make you happy, life already seems a bit brighter. Her deep and unabated concern for her friends presses her to do more than superficially ask, "Is everything all right?" Elise does not just speak -- she acts. She is able to understand people and to read into their actions in order to see that something is bothering them. Elise is able to put her own needs aside in order to focus on those of her friends, and you do not get the feeling that she would rather be doing something else. When she focuses her attention on you, you know that you matter and that she wants to hear what you have to say. She is not just asking if you are okay to be nice -- she actually wants to hear what is going on in your life and what is bothering you. She is so unbelievably sincere. She has a very deep sense of right and wrong and she does not just act without thinking. Elise does not just go with what feels 'fun' -- she allows her conscience to lead her. She also believes in the goodness of her friends and wants to believe the best of them, and she helps people believe in themselves. Elise is like a ray of sunshine, lighting up the room and putting some light into lives that would otherwise be governed by stress and worries. She can make you forget everything else, and that is a wonderful thing when the "everything else" consists of finals, assignments, and responsibilities.
Annie is another little ray of sunshine... and a breath of fresh air. She is the kind of person you can spot in an auditorium with three hundred people because of her bright red gorgeous curly hair. And when I need to find my friends, I usually use that bobbing red ponytail as my guide as I weave through the crowd of high school students. And honestly, her hair color could not be more perfect to describe the type of person she is. She is bubbly, lively, and full of energy -- kind of like the little Energizer Bunny you see in commercials, except ten times more. She just keeps going and going, until you start to wonder if her batteries ever need recharging. (I somehow doubt it.) There is never a dull moment around her, and if there is not enough in life to keep us all amused, she will make sure to find something. I first met Annie last yet, when I was working as a librarian in my school's library. She marched into the library, saw that I was working there, and asked me if I could recommend any books on a certain theme. It seemed that she was determined to find a book that would back up a point she was trying to make, and all I could think of was, "Well, this is certainly a change!" Usually, girls' requests are more along the lines of, "Ugh.. I need a book for my report. Do you have any books from the reading list that are short?" or "Can you just find me something good from this list the teacher gave us for the report?" And there was Annie, this young freshman, who was bold and assertive and knew exactly what she wanted. I soon realized that the books I was trying to recommend her she had already read. And that is one of the things I love about Annie -- her thirst for knowledge and for understanding. She does not just go through the motions of everyday life, doing whatever she has to but nothing else. Annie does things for herself, not just because she 'has to.' She is the type of person who will actually read a book if I recommend it, instead of saying, "Oh, it sounds interesting" and never touching it. She is open-minded and willing to listen to what you have to say, and if she disagrees with you, she will say so. However, even if she disagrees, she will allow you to try to persuade her if your argument is logical and reasonable. She does not accept things blindly, but if what you say makes sense, she will give it further thought and consideration. But she is not a little marionette, to be manipulated at will. Annie is strong and independent. Annie is Annie, and she stays true to herself no matter what. She does not have this mentality of "I have to hide my true self in order to fit in" which seems prevalent among teenagers. She does not need to fit in. She does not have to pretend -- not when she is with friends and not when she is with teachers. She is outgoing and talkative, and I doubt that there is a shy bone in her body. Most of all, she reminds me of Annie from the 1982 musical film of the same name. She does not let her age impede her. She has no problem asking an adult frank questions or interrogating a complete stranger. I recently witnessed her begin a conversation with an adult in school she had never met before, and she was perfectly comfortable saying exactly what was on her mind. I saw the way the woman smiled at her, somewhat surprised at being thus openly addressed and inquired as to her identity. "Only Annie," I thought to myself. What I love about Annie is that you feel so comfortable around her, no matter who you are... well, unless you are an ill-equipped teacher whose theories have just been shattered by Annie's logic. And that is precisely what I love about Annie. She thinks and she examines life and challenges ideas and people in order to come to the right conclusions, and that can lead to the most interesting conversations. And we all know that I love interesting conversations.
Selene, Elise, and Annie all have hearts of gold, and it is so pleasant just to be around them. They are not judgmental; they allow you to be yourself and love you for it. Do you know how amazing it is to be loved for who you are -- for the real version -- and not feeling as if you have to hide certain parts of yourself because your friends would not 'approve' of them? It is delightful.
What I used to do during lunchtimes or free periods or breaks was considerably more antisocial than what I do now. I used to find a nice little staircase or corner in the school and spend all my free time writing. And now... now I seek out Selene, Elise, and Annie because they are some of the most amazing people ever and every minute I spend with them is delightful. And I always wonder, What did I do to deserve such wonderful friends? (I am still not quite sure of the answer.) All I know is that I am fortunate in having them in my life (and that also applies to all my other friends that I did not write about here).
I love and adore you guys, and you mean the world to me.
*Names have been changed.
There is usually more than one way of interpreting a person's actions or words, and depending on what you want to see or hear or believe of the person, you will understand these things in different ways.
Two people can have completely different interpretations of a single action or speech, and these understandings sometimes form a full contrast to each other. They are total opposites. The same action can be either praised or condemned, depending on how you look at it.
The Torah illustrates this point repeatedly, but I want to specifically mention two instances in Bereishit (Genesis) in which the commentaries on the Torah had opposing understandings of somebody's actions.
1. 4:13 -- ויאמר קין אל ה' גדול עוני מנשוא
After Cain's murder of his brother Abel, G-d punished him by cursing him through the ground and condemns him to a life as a wanderer, unable to settle in one place. Here, Cain asks G-d whether his iniquity is too great to bear. Or at least that is what it means according to the simple explanation of the verse -- the pshat. But according to other explanations, Cain was not asking a question. Rather, he was admitting the severity of his sin.Rashi writes, based on Bereishit Rabbah:
בתמיה, אתה טוען עליונים ותחתונים, ועוני אי אפשר לטעוןAccording to Rashi, Cain was asking a question; he said that G-d is able to bear the upper and lower worlds, and yet it is impossible for Him to bear Cain's sin? If G-d is so mighty, why can He not bear a simple human's action? After all, compared to supporting the entire world, it seems almost like nothing. Cain was questioning G-d's decree and trying to get more mercy and a lighter sentence, even though G-d was kind enough to him in allowing him to continue living. So according to Rashi, Cain was claiming that his sin was not too great to bear.
Ramban, on the other hand, says something completely different. First he quotes Rashi, and then he proceeds to disagree with him by saying:
והנכון בפשט שהוא וידוי אמר אמת כי עוני גדול מלסלוח וצדיק אתה ה' וישר משפטיךCain was in reality saying viduy -- he was confessing his sin and admitting that his sin was too great to bear or forgive, and that G-d was the righteous one and made a fair decree. According to Ramban, Cain was also saying to G-d that he is being thrown off the face of the earth and that G-d is hiding His face from him because Cain will no longer be able to pray or bring sacrifices, but nevertheless, Cain admits that he fully deserves the punishment and that G-d acted fairly with him.
Now that is quite a difference! If you look at Rashi, you see Cain as someone who does not want to admit his guilt or repent of the crime, but who only wants G-d to be more lenient with him, while if you look at Ramban, you see a fragile human being who confesses the severity of his sin and mourns that he is being sent away from G-d's presence and will no longer be able to pray to him or bring sacrifices. He sees that he will be all alone in the world from that time, and that without G-d's protection, he is vulnerable and will inevitably be killed. Rashi and Ramban paint two completely different portraits of Cain, and that is what makes it fascinating to read and learn all the different outlooks. It seems that Judaism is very much about being able to see one thing multiple ways. That's the beauty of it.
2. 4:26 -- ולשת גם הוא ילד בן ויקרא את שמו אנוש אז הוכל לקרא בשם השם
Adam's third son, Seth, had a son named Enosh, and then it became common to call by the name of G-d.And once again we have two commentaries whose interpretations of this verse are nothing alike. One commentary says that this refers to the beginning of idol worship, while the other commentary says that calling out G-d's name was to counteract the forces of avoda zara. But either way, it seems that idol worship began in the time of Enosh.
Rashi interprets the word "huchal" as the following:
לשון חולין. לקרא את שמות האדם ואת שמות העצבים בשמו של הקב"ה לעשותן עבודה זרה ולקרותן אלהות
It is an expression of profaneness, of cheapness -- to call people and idols with the name of the Holy One in order to make them idols and call them gods.
People cheapened G-d's name and made it mundane by using it for inanimate objects and creating gods for themselves. So the fact that it became common to call by the name of G-d refers to idol worship, according to Rashi.
Sforno also draws a connection to idol worship, but he takes this verse in a totally different direction. He writes:
אז התחילו צדיקי הדור לדרוש לרבים את שם ה' כענין ויקרא שם בשם ה' אל עולם כי הוצרכו לסתור דעות עובדי כוכבים וגלולים שהתחילו אז כדברי רז"ל
The righteous people of that generation then began to publicly call out in the name of G-d in order to counteract the forces of avoda zara that began at that time.
So the same word -- huchal -- can be used to refer to either idol worshippers or to those who fought against it, depending on how you understand the verse!
Life works the same way. Many things depend on your outlook and your understanding of them -- if you choose to see it one way, that is how it will be to you. But there is always another way to look at it that is equally correct and equally reasonable to believe.
Author
- inkstainedhands
- I am a student at Stern College (Yeshiva University) and a young writer with an interest in observing the world and recording in writing what I see, feel, and think. I appreciate expression and most forms of art, which are themselves forms of expression infused with beauty. It is my belief that beauty can be found in the most unexpected places and people if one only looks for it. It can also be found in fear, in anger, in despair -- and it is the job of the writer, the poet, the artist, the photographer, the filmmaker, the actor, the musician, and the performer to convey that to the audience... And I want to be that writer. I also want to be the girl who lives life loving every moment of it and being thankful to G-d for all the wonderful things in this world even when it seems difficult. I love to learn, to understand new ideas, to see the breathtaking way in which things fall into place. I want to get the most out of every moment of this thrilling rollercoaster we call life.